sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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