Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
