My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
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