im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she peed on how many people?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
