I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
