Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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