He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
