he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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