I am midnight drunk by noon
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
