My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize