Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
