I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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