we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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