I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
