if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
