haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
