We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
