yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
