Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
