Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
