I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
