got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's never too late to be topless.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He shit in the fireplace
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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