cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
