I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
