I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
