There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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