You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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