Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
