I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
