There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
