at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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