i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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