The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
