She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
