if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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