Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
