Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
