She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
