I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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