I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
