yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
