my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We left the knife in your bed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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