Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
