and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
