How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
