That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
