Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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