When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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