whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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