I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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