So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize