I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
