Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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