Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
