clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Less talking, more tequila
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
