I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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