are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize