Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
