Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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