I need to stop coming to work sober
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
