I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
