and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
