The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
