I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize