I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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