alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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