Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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