2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize