For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
