Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And then my night got REAL pukey
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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